What Did You Really Want for Christmas?

crying meme

How about a little white whine this Boxing Day? I spend a lot of time bitching about life in general, which can be a cathartic experience. And you know what? You should too. Take a moment to bitch. Take a moment to complain. Take a moment to be like, “Hey, guess what, I did not need those 17 cookies I ate this Christmas, but dammit, I deserved it, and I should have eaten 17 more.” Yes, this is 100% the time to be grateful in life (which, might I add, I absolutely am), but in order to feel grateful sometimes you have to just be great – Kanye-style. And you know what Kanye wanted for Christmas? People to like him. And they don’t. And he’s sad about it.

So what did you really want for Christmas? Tell me in the comments. Let it roll.

Here’s what I wanted, BUT DIDN’T GET, WHAT THE HELL: 

Car insurance payments that don’t make me grasp my pearls
No unexpected medical bills in 2015
My dog’s skin infection to be clear for more than 48 hours
Cops to stop killing people
Someone else to clean my water bottle
To stop being catcalled
A clean bathtub
Money
At least a dozen Sharpie pens
New tires for my car that aren’t a road hazard
A pair of magic yoga pants that make my ass look like Nicki Minaj’s
No judgment when I wear said yoga pants three days in a row
Yeah, still money
To win any of those 98498234 sweepstakes I’ve entered on social media
A robot to clean my floors
Another robot to make me food
More Saturdays in the calendar year
Also, money

For clarity, this is parody. But I still want to know what you really wanted for Christmas.

  • Jacob Crim

    Run The Jewels 2 on vinyl and a ticket to Bonnaroo.