Sorry I’m Not Sorry I’m Obsessed with My Dog

Hi friends, guess what. I’m obsessed with my dog.

More specifically – friends with children, I’m obsessed with my dog. Let me clarify a few things for you.

1. My dog means as much to me as your kid means to you.

You know how you’re REALLY obsessed with your kids? Like, yeah, I know, you had sex and had a kid (really amazing, considering nearly everyone in the entire world does it, oh wait), and now your child is the *light of your life.* I totally get the feeling. The only difference is, unlike you having sex to get a kid (I’m more impressed when people have sex and don’t get pregnant to be honest, thanks #obamacare), I actually went and got a kid voluntarily! I went to a shelter where they KILL THE ONES THAT DON’T GET ADOPTED and I saved its life!

2. My dog costs nearly as much as a real kid.

Oh, so you think dogs are much cheaper. Um, maybe if you’re a shitty dog owner or have a dog that literally gives zero fucks in life. I pay for my dog to eat the best food, have the best entertainment, and the best doggy daycare I can. It’s expensive, but I chose to do it. Of course, my dog won’t live as long as your kid, but it also won’t grow into a teenager and resent me. 

3. I have very similar responsibilities, despite not having an actual kid.

You know how you don’t want to work late because you have to put little Jimmy to bed? Well neither do I. I want to go take my dog to the dog park or snuggle with him on the couch. Just because I’m not someone’s biological mom doesn’t mean he still doesn’t miss me when I’m gone (and vice versa x293482349). My responsibilities also include taking copious Instagram photos, but a baby puppy will always be cuter than a newborn baby. Always.

4. But having a dog is still better.

Look, not a single OUNCE of me is envious you have a kid. You don’t get to sleep through the night, you have to birth a kid and ruin your body, you’re officially connected to a person the rest of your life. I totally respect your rights as a parent (can we talk about how FMLA is really shitty?), but please, just don’t forget that my kid affects my life too.

Even if he doesn’t get me a tax refund.

Photo by the always handsome Ronny Nause.

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