So Spanx Are Killing You, Pretend You’re Surprised

The Huffington Post brought us GROUNDBREAKING news today that Spanx are more or less crunching your organs and fucking that shit up. For any female who has ever worn Spanx (so basically every female and a whole buncha drag queens), this is a giant “No shit, Sherlock” moment, because DEAR GOD HAVE YOU FELT THESE THINGS?

Things you can apparently get from wearing Spanx:

  • Incontinence (Oops, I shit my pants at my cousin’s wedding, but I looked even better than the bride)
  • Yeast infections (That’s not an STD, that’s just because I wore Spanx on our first date)
  • Numb legs (Who needs to walk? I look skinny!)
  • Acid reflux (If Ashlee Simpson can survive it, so can I)

But come on now… ain’t none of us going to stop wearing Spanx. America can’t even get people to stop smoking or eating fast food – do you really think you’re going to get women to stop wearing something that makes them look BETTER? We inject botulism, YEAH, BOTULISM, into our faces on the regular, and you think we give a shit (literally) about pooping our pants when we look hot as hell? HA!

Recently I was at the People’s Choice Awards with a handful of other bloggers, where we talked about Satan’s shapewear and how much it blows. One blogger said she quit wearing them altogether and has opted to “embrace her fat,” while I stood next to her attempting to unroll the top of my Spanx that had morphed into a tourniquet for my waist. Clearly, we know Spanx is twisting and turning our innards, but guess what – if that keeps me from going to the gym for three hours a day to get rid of these dumb ass love handles, then INNARD CHURNING, IT IS!

So listen ladies, if you opt to give up Spanx because of these warnings, I respect your strength. But if you’re like me and live life in the face of danger, then let us wave our Spanx into the air like hearty flags and our inability to turn down carbs like badges of honor.