Robin Thicke, get your shit together.
What the fuck is up with Robin Thicke?
The good ol’ days of Robin Thicke were truly magical. The “son of the guy from ‘Growing Pains'” seemed like a real charming dude! He had a man bob, you guys! Only nice guys have man bobs! Look how hard he’s trying! He just wants to get you alone and snuggle and maybe watch “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days” while you read “Cosmopolitan” and ignore him! I wanted to listen to this guy on repeat!
Our pal Robin also created the glorious baby-making jam “Lost Without U,” and despite his fascination with abbreviating a three letter word, I loved this jam. All the ladies were like, “Dayummmm that Robin Thicke, I’m lost without you, want to give me directions to your nether regions?” This song was sexy in the way an ice cream cone dripping down a hot girl’s hand is. Effortless, but also trying really really fucking hard to not be trash.
And then Robin was like, fuck it, I like trash! Let’s do more trash things! And then he came out with “Blurred Lines,” which despite being a #1 hit is also the anthem of rapists and grabby guys in dark bars everywhere. I’m sharing the unrated version because these women are someone’s daughters and I’m also concerned about their safety. The edited video has been viewed almost 324 MILLION times, and I’m sure about 10 million of those views are from a pissed off Paula Patton (Robin Thicke’s ultra hot and completely out of his league wife).
“The way you grab me, must wanna get nasty,” UM, EXCUSE ME, that is very presumptuous of you, Robin. I’m grabbing you because you were about to step in front of that subway train, but next time I’ll let your ass be pulverized.
Robin has been enjoying his 15 minutes of fame pretty hard, but apparently his wife Paula was not. See, Paula seems like a really good girl. She seems like the kind of girl who would definitely beat your ass Faith Evans-style if she caught you with her man, so why the hell wasn’t she jumping ship right then and there?
But then she did jump ship! Paula put two middle fingers up and bailed on Robin. And, see, that’s where Robin becomes an even bigger dumbass/psycho/O.J. Simpson in the making. Robin decided to name his new album “Paula,” which is basically the equivalent of your high school boyfriend still having passwords with your name in it. RED FLAG. This is where the restraining order should pop in. And this album… oooweee, this album is some weird shit. “Blurred Lines” got a fuckload of press about degrading woman (I’m glad it did), but why is no one writing about how mentally deranged Robin Thicke actually is? CAN HE BE STOPPED?!
Let’s examine the “Paula” tracklist real fast.
1. “You’re My Fantasy” (Hmm, that’s odd.)
2. “Get Her Back” (Okay, calm down, bud. There’s plenty of fish in the sea/starving actresses in LA)
3. “Still Madly Crazy” (Whoa, whoa, whoa, yeah we get it. Maybe get some counseling? Rebound girlfriend?)
4. “Lock the Door” (THIS IS WHERE THE RESTRAINING ORDER SHOULD COME.)
5. “Whatever I Want” (YOU’RE A FUCKING FREAK, BRO.)
6. “Living in New York City” (Great, now I have to get a gun.)
7. “Love Can Grow Back” (Not when you’re a fucking psycho.)
8. “Black Tar Cloud” (This seems out of place to this theme, sir.)
9. “Too Little Too Late” (#TRUTH.)
10. “Tippy Toes” (Stop trying to stare in my window, Robin!!!!)
11. “Something Bad” (STOP SEARCHING MY TRASH, ROBIN.)
12. “The Opposite of Me” (Is what I need to date, yes.)
13. “Time of Your Life” (Ehhhh, not so much.)
14. “Forever Love” (NOPE!)
I gave most of these songs a listen and they’re the epitome of a sad, pathetic breakup album, albeit even a bit pathetic. But, like, where are Robin’s friends at? Why aren’t they like “Yo, brah, maybe, um, tone it down a bit. I hear Miley Cyrus is single?” Robin Thicke’s friends are likely the same as Justin Bieber’s friends. They’re the kind of friends that constantly tell you you look awesome (but you actually look like a pile of shit and haven’t showered in a week). They’re the type of people who give you drugs when you’re at rehab, but then they definitely sell your story to TMZ when you’re throwing up from withdrawal. They might also be friends with Lindsay Lohan.
Robin. STOP IT.