Madonna got armpit hair, so I got armpit hair
Yesterday Madonna showed the world her armpit hair, fabulously captioned with “Long hair…… Don’t Care!!!!!! #artforfreedom #rebelheart #revolutionoflove.” (Those hashtags are a little much for me and do kind of sound like something Avril Lavigne would print on a t-shirt sold at a mall kiosk.)
And you know what? This might be my favorite thing Madonnna has ever done.
I mean, yes, I am the typical Madonna fan girl who loved “Hung Up” with an unrivaled passion (and don’t tell me her old stuff was better, that song still isn’t old), but let’s count the number of celebrities who have publicly shown their armpit hair (I would even take armpit stubble) to their 1.4 million followers.
Think of any?
Yeah me neither.
But on to more important things – armpit hair. Madonna’s previous Instagram posts (all photos are of herself, because I mean, what else matters) average around 1,000 comments per post. The armpit one has gotten more than 8,000 comments in less than 24 hours. Wait, what?
Because I clearly want to hate people more, I scrolled through the comments. Here are my favorites:
“Vile””ew””Don’t shave, that’s brave!!!!!!!””DESPERATION AT ITS FINEST OLD CUNTY””whatever happened to the people’s views these days, this is not my country” (???)”so fake stuck on hair!!”
This brings me to the question of if the armpit hair on Madonna’s armpit is *in fact* genuine, because authentic 100% Madonna DNA-tested armpit hair is really really really important to some people. If Madonna’s armpit hair is fake, good for her. I imagine it will be difficult and uncomfortable to remove spirit gum from your sweat glands. I mean, the real issue in this photo should be that Madonna is basically 130 years old and is still posting photos of herself in her bra on Instagram.
Why the fuck do people still give a flying fuck about armpit hair? Excuse my French, but there are god damn WARS in this world and Lady Gaga is getting puked on and people want to complain about some bullshit armpit hair?
A few facts armpit hair haters need to remember:
- EVERYONE has armpit hair.
- YOU have armpit hair.
- GET A FUCKING HOBBY.
With that said, yes, I shave my armpit hair because I’m a victim of our misogynistic society, and yes, I wish to someday grow an armpit ‘fro that will make even the hairiest of men jealous. When I do, I will be sure to update all of you along the way. BECAUSE ARMPIT HAIR IS NATURAL, DAMMIT.
And in other obvious news, people totally suck.