The conversation I had with my BFF shortly before posting this article.

I just returned from the grocery store after spending exactly $9.53 on three packages of cookies. At first I wasn’t sure why I was craving Chewy Chips Ahoy, or why I felt the urge to leave my snowy abode and stuff them into my pie hole (which I will now call my cookie hole). But then I realized.

I am PMSing like a motherfucker.

Ugh, sorry for the harsh language, but I’m going to be real ladies – you DO YOU on your period. Keep doing it. Do it hard. Do it long (but not too long because that could leave to excessive weight gain and diabetes). But for as much as it blows ass to have a period every month, can we talk about how lucky we are that we have a mental excuse to eat a bunch of junk food and ignore our boyfriends’ wangs for five days?

I also realized I spend a LOT of time hating being on my period. It’s disgusting, why don’t men have to do it, what’s the deal with these cramps – but HELLOOOOO we get five days to be fatties and no one can give us shit for it! THANK YOU, period! THANK YOU!

Us females know the pain of periods, whether it’s cramps that feel like the baby from Alien might reveal itself at any moment, or if it’s the stabbing murder of sitting down when your tampon isn’t in far enough (girl, don’t make that gross face, it has happened to all of us). But for all the pain, we have the joy of eating junk food. We have the joy of reasoning with ourselves that it’s okay not to work out, because hello, what if that regular-sized tampon can’t contain the vigorous motions of our spin class and something comes rushing out onto our brand new Lululemon pants – GOD NO. That would be a nightmare.

In all honesty, the rest of our months are kind of depressing. Many of us spend entirely too much time counting calories and thinking about when we need to work out next, or recovering from the last holiday where we ate entirely too much, or just thinking about how we feel ultra-fat in general (THANKS SOCIETY.). If you are one of the women who have a perfectly healthy body image and don’t obsess over working out or dieting, gurrrrl, I praise you because that takes some serious mental health. You go on wichyabadself.

Still thinking, “Damn, I dunno Thea, I’m not sure if I should indulge in such pleasures during THE WORST WEEK OF THE MONTH!”? Well, friend. I think you should. Why? Because first of all, you’re a gorgeous human being and you’re smart as hell. Also, I think you deserve it. Life is hard. If two scoops of Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey with a handful of maraschino cherries can make you feel happier for an hour or two, then go for it. 

So I’d like to take a moment and congratulate all of you who are on your period right now (and toss ya a Midol or two), because 1.) you aren’t pregnant, high five!!, and 2.) you can get your nom on. These are the five days where we can eat in happiness. We don’t care if it’s organic. We don’t care if it has the word “diet” before it. We can truly be happy.

Basically, we can live like men.