Currently when you type “oil” into Google, “oil pulling” comes up before “oil change.”

No.

What is “oil pulling,” you ask? Well besides being totally fucking disgusting, it’s a supposed miracle for whiter teeth! A healthier liver! A skin-clearing miracle! Basically oil-pulling is supposed to turn you into Gwyneth Paltrow with Kate Upton’s tits and we all should be doing it. Normally, I’d be like, sure, I’ll hop on a beauty bandwagon that has life-changing results.

But then I learned what it was. Basically, the user swishes a healthy spoonful of coconut or sesame oil in their mouth. Whatever, I thought, that’s totally doable! That sounds as easy as brushing my teeth! Except you’re swishing this chunk of horrific tasting oil in your mouth for TWENTY minutes. This sounds worse than giving a beej in a hurricane to a dude who just drank a fifth of Jack.

Of course, actual DOCTORS (I know, weird idea that doctors know more than our trusted beauty bloggers) are saying oil pulling is as reliable for good health as gargling snake oil.

So for everyone that’s oil pulling:

I’ll keep my toothpaste, thanks.

This shit is not cute.

YOUR TEETH LOOK THE SAME.

Can you all just go back on a juice cleanse and stop talking to me about oil pulling?

Preferably before you end up on “My Strange Addiction.”