How to Learn to Love your Cellulite
Oh, cellulite. You’re so precious. We’ve been together for a good 12 years now, and even when I ask you to leave, you just don’t! So why do I hate you so much? Why do I wish you’d detach from my body and go line your pockets with rocks and pull a Sylvia Plath? Why do I wonder if I could sell my soul to the devil in order to get rid of this shit?
Yes, that’s right, because you’re ugly. I’m a little confused why we have dubbed cellulite “ugly” – it’s bumps on your skin, big fucking deal, but we encourage women to have giant saline bags implanted into their chests. So, let me just do a favor for the 98% of women on earth who have cellulite – here’s how you can stop hating it so god damn much.
1. Girl, you have more important crap to worry about.
There are people starving in Africa and you’re bitching about your cellulite. Move on.
2. Stare at that cellulite.
Everytime I’m in downward dog in my yoga class, I look down and see cellulite on the top of my thighs. The first time I saw it, I was mortified thinking “GREAT another part of my body I can hate,” but now that I do that same yoga pose everyday, I barely even notice it. “Oh! You again! Missed you! #jknotreally” But by seeing your cellulite on a regular basis you can accept that hail damage for all it’s worth (AKA not shit).
3. Accept that errrrbody has it.
Ninety-eight freakin’ percent of women have it! Why do we all act like we’re the scum of the earth because we have some bumps on our thighs? Why do I feel guilty after I eat a cookie? It’s a damn cookie! My cellulite is going to be there regardless! I’m gonna eat the damn cookie! If men don’t have to shave their legs or wax their lips or do anything that even remotely inconveniences them, I’m gonna stop giving a shit about my cellulite.
By no means am I telling you not to work out or make an effort to try to get rid of your cellulite. If that’s your motivation to get in the gym, good for you! But dang girl, your cellulite is not a big deal. You’re awesome.