Five Things I’d Rather Have Than A Thigh Gap

Unless you’ve been living under a rock (or in a euphoric gender-free utopia), people are really obsessed with thigh gaps right now. Basically, thigh gaps are for women what One Direction is for teens. What Hanson was to our childhood. If thigh gaps could play instruments and wear skinny jeans, they’d be topping the Billboard charts big time. 

But guess what, I don’t have one.

I read that to have a thigh gap you not only have to have skinny minnie legs, but you also have to have really wide hips. Basically, I’d have to not only starve myself but also alter my bones, and since that seems like a really time-consuming practice, thigh gaps can blow me.

Yeah I said it. The thigh gap obsession is stupid. 

Now before you file this under “shit fat girls write,” I’ll note that I’m not even sure why America is suddenly obsessed with an airy crotch. Could it be hygiene purposes? Does everyone suddenly want to be a ballerina? Or maybe it was implanted in our brains by Lululemon? I don’t know, man!

To celebrate my lack of not feeling air breeze between my legs, here are five things I’d rather have than a thigh gap. And since Christmas is coming up, you should probably bookmark these because I send out really awesome thank you cards.

Burberry scarf

Because $350 is probably cheaper than the amount of liposuction I would need for my thighs to get to an acceptable size.

This puppy

Because, duh.

Free Netflix for the rest of my life

Because I’m pretty sure I pay $10/month for something I could download illegally.

All the bad taxidermy you can find

Because there’s crazy cat ladies and then there’s “LOLOL LOOK AT THIS HILARIOUS TAXIDERMIED ANIMAL FROM 1956 LOLOL” ladies. And I don’t like cats.

Food that tastes delicious and makes me smile when I eat it

When Kate Moss said “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels,” here’s a short list of all the things she’s clearly never eaten:

  • A burger from Chuck’s that literally makes me clap my hands because it is so delicious
  • Funnel cake
  • Hemingway daiquiris
  • Whiskey sours
  • A filet mignon that’s cooked just right (AKA almost bloody in the middle)
  • Wendy’s
  • Anything my grandmas have ever made

So eat it, thigh gaps.

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