14 Differences Between the Woman You Date and the Woman You Marry: A Critique

are you dating a spy

If you’re a man (or ignorant woman) on the internet, and you’re inspired to write an article explaining the “14 Differences Between The Girl You Date and the Woman You Marry,” just… don’t.

Sometimes I stumble upon articles that throw me into a fit of rage and make me want to move into a cave and cut myself off from all technology. Like that time Men’s Health tried to tell me “50 Things Men Wish You Knew” or whatever that bullshit headline was. Why do women care what men want us to know? I want my boyfriend to do the fucking dishes and that doesn’t happen, so why am I being told arbitrary advice from a strange man hiding behind a byline?

Marcus Kusi whipped up an “article” for Lifehacker to mansplain what kind of woman you should be. If you are a girl who is conscious of her looks for anyone but your husband (including yourself), then you are NOT for marrying. You are for subjecting. Hell, you’re even a “girl” instead of a “woman!” Get it together, nail polish girl!

Since I don’t want anyone giving Marcus any more clicks, here’s the article, along with my edits.

1. The girl you date does not want to meet your family or friends, she wants you all to herself.
Correction: The woman you date is probably terrified to meet your friends and family, and dear god please warn her before it happens so she can at least self-medicate beforehand.

The woman you marry wants to know your family and friends. She knows without them, you would not be where you are, and who you are today.
Correction: Girls and women are the same. Bye.

2. The girl you date is overly worried about her nails been done all the time, her eyelashes looking in a certain style, and being beautiful for her peers. Her physical beauty is important to her.
Correction: The woman you date might spend time looking good. NEWSFLASH: This might not be for you! Maybe she just likes to get a Shellac because she types all day and regular nail polish comes off, and her nail beds suck. OR MAYBE, the girl you date has no desire to wear makeup! That’s okay too! Her face doesn’t belong to you, so maybe just keep your thoughts to yourself.

The woman you marry is not overly worried about her nails being done. Instead, she is worried about being beautiful for her man, even if that means wearing no makeup. She focuses on her internal beauty and character building, because she knows real beauty comes from within.
Correction: Wait, huh? The woman you marry can get her nails done, but only if it’s for you? Real quick – can you tell me what color nail polish your wife is wearing today? Do you pay attention? Nah, dawg. The woman you marry does what makes her feel beautiful, whether you’re there or not.

3. The girl you date only cares about her career and her vision for life. She comes before the relationship, and does not make her future plans with you in mind.
Correction: The woman you date cares about her career and her vision for life. Also, good job finding a woman with drive.

The woman you marry cares about your career and your vision of life as well as her own. She knows you also have a plan, and works together with you to achieve the goals you both have. The marriage is her priority.
Correction: The girl you marry might donate to a 401K because she’s a grown-up, and knows how to handle finances. She also might not donate to a 401K because she doesn’t believe in that shit. Her priorities are her marriage, her dog, her children, her house, her career, and finding 40 minutes to get her nails done once a month.

4. The girl you date loves the financial cushion you can provide.  She also expects something back whenever she gives.
Correction: The woman you marry would love it if you bought her dinner because she has bills to pay. She will also buy you dinner when you have bills to pay. Symbiotic relationships are neat!

The woman you marry wants to build a financial cushion with you. She believes that two heads will always be better than one. When she gives, she does not expect anything back.
Correction: The woman you marry may not want to give you blow jobs all day. Return the favor.

5. The girl you date believes she knows everything.
Correction: The woman you date has her own set of experiences, life knowledge, and journey that give her a different perspective on life.

The woman you marry is open to learning something new, and knows there is always room for improvement.
Correction: The woman you marry is open to whatever she consents to, and sometimes she doesn’t want to learn how to make mac and cheese a “better” way (your way), she just wants to eat it.

6. The girl you date is scared to tell you her deepest secrets.
Correction: Are you dating a spy?

The woman you marry will share her deepest secrets with you, even if it means losing you. She trusts you, and shares everything with you. She knows honesty is always the best policy.
Correction: The woman you marry might never tell you what happened in Orlando her senior year of college before she ever knew you. That’s fine.

7. The girl you date does not get excited about marriage and children (even if she wants to have some one day).
Correction: The woman you date MIGHT ALREADY HAVE HAD A MARRIAGE AND CHILDREN. GASSSSSSSPPPP!!

The woman you marry gets excited about marriage and starting a family with you.
Correction: The woman you marry might not want to have children. This may be a conversation you should have before putting a ring on it, if children are that important to you. After all, it is her womb.

8. The girl you date shows her cleavage all the time.
Correction: OH MY GOD ARE YOU FUCKING REAL.

The woman you marry is more modest because she knows her attributes are for your eyes only.
Correction: STRIPPERS GET MARRIED TOO, MARCUS.

9. The girl you date is not concerned about cooking for you.
Correction: The woman you date might not want to cook for you, and that’s okay because she’s an individual with her own wants and needs. Can you cook for yourself? Cool! We good.

The woman you marry loves not only to cook, but chooses delicious and healthy meals. The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach after all, right?
Correction: The woman you marry might not want to cook for you, and that’s okay because she’s an individual with her own wants and needs. Can you cook for yourself? Cool! We STILL good.

10. The girl you date is overly concerned about how long you will be around, and how she can keep you.
Correction: The woman you date might not want to keep you around very long because she has her own career and life and that’s, again, totally okay.

The woman you marry is not too concerned about keeping you because she knows you want to have a future with her. She is mature enough to know you can never force someone to stay and that you each have to choose each other every day, again and again.
Correction: The woman you marry can divorce you if she wants to.

11. The girl you date is not willing to compromise with you.
Correction: The woman you date will compromise with you hundreds of times without even realizing it, and you probably won’t realize it either.

The woman you marry is willing to compromise, and sees compromise as a necessity for a healthy marriage.
Correction: The woman you marry will also compromise with you. This is a basic human interaction. You wouldn’t date her or marry her if she’d never compromised with you.

12. The girl you date thrives on constant attention from you.
Correction: The woman you date would love it if you called her once in a while instead of always texting.

The woman you marry mirrors your affection and thrives on providing you with the love, support, and respect you need.
Correction: The woman you marry is clearly needy as fuck. But for real, the woman you marry is going to support and love you and all those happy feelings, but she also deserves her own life, too. Give the girl some time to go get her nails done – oh wait, she’s not allowed to do this anymore, either.

13. The girl you date tries to change who you are and compares you to her ex.
Correction: The woman you date might compare you to her ex, but by no means does that make her a bad person. It just means she is a normal human being who compares her life experiences. Like when people ask you, “Which year of high school is the best?” Maybe you say “Man, sophomore year was dope, but senior year really blew my mind.” It’s like that. 

The woman you marry accepts you for who you are and will not compare you to her ex. She knows you are the best and that you cannot change another person no matter how hard you try.
Correction: The woman you marry will still probably compare you to her ex (what was his name again?) but guess what – she ended up with you. Why so insecure?

14. The girl you date has to be entertained.
Correction: The woman you date would love a night with sleazy Chinese take-out and Long Island Medium on repeat, and maybe you’re not there, maybe you are.

The woman you marry is someone you can have fun with, relax, do activities, or do nothing together and still enjoy each other’s company.
Correction: The woman you marry and many women you date want to have fun, relax, do activities or do nothing together. The difference is sometimes only a piece of paper.

Man, Marcus, you suck. Tell me in the comments what I missed.