Embarrassing Reviews: Completely Bare At-Home Waxing
Feeling adventurous? Hairy? Read on, woman of the 21st century! You can rip out all your body hair with only minimal (lol jk) pain in the comfort of your own home!
Klout sent me the Completely Bare line, and I should have known from the beginning – the part where it was founded by a Real Housewife – that maybe this wasn’t something I really *needed* to do.
However, this is me. I laugh in the face of danger.
Here’s how to wax your bikini line at home:
Step one: Eat a Zebra Cake. I find that it takes the edge off the fact you’re about to rip your pubes out.
Step two: Read the directions. During this time it’s probably a good time to text your boyfriend that you’re about to be in the bathroom for a prolonged period but you are DEFINITELY NOT taking a dump. Despite being a “bikini zone” product, the directions tell you not to use it near your genitals. Hate to break it to you, but I’d categorize my bikini zone as near my genitals.
Step three: Apply the Numbing and Cooling Spray. This has a catchy name – “Not Feeling It.” This smells like a lemongrass kamikaze shot, which is right up my alley. This is the strangest liquid ever. It’s basically a foam that numbs – for real – and feels a bit like liquid nitrogen. This is one of those products you show your friends like “You have GOT to see this.”
Step four: Eat a shit load of potato chips because you’re delaying the inevitable destruction of your lady hair.
Step five: Rub the Hypo-Allergenic Wax Strips For: Face Bikini Body together in your hands. That’s right, the only heat coming from these babies is from the palms of your hands. This stuff actually doesn’t smell bad at all. Now put it on your wax area. I’m waxing my bikini area because I’m an idiot and will go to really deep lengths to avoid spending $60 to look like I never went through puberty. Now, rip it off, while holding your skin taut, and also repeating the alphabet backwards (I find it distracts me from the ridiculous pain of gender roles).
Step six: Scream “FUUUUUUU” as you glare down at your poor, poor Mons Venus.
Step seven: Curse your gender, as you notice you just gave yourself a hickey on your pussy. BUT THERE’S NO HAIR! BRUISED AND GROSS, BUT NO HAIR!
Step eight: Repeat 5-7.
Step nine: Give up, because this shit hurts really bad and you REALLY DO NOT NEED TO BE HAIRLESS. HAIR IS OKAY.
Step ten: Apply the “Bikini Bump Blaster,” which smelled like Popov vodka and regret.
Step eleven: Shave the rest.
Congrats! You’ve done it! You’ve put yourself through extreme pain for no reason! Now let’s all hope we’re men in our next lives.