It’s no secret that I find having boobs very annoying. 

And in that vein, it happens that shopping for a bra is even more annoying.

Maybe I can skip wearing a bra altogether?

I mean, Michelle Obama approves of my rights.

LOLOLOL ME WITHOUT A BRA! HAHAHAHAHA

So I head to Victoria’s Secret to find a bra and hope to look just like the girls from the commercials.

There’s a brief moment before I enter the store where I contemplate fleeing the country to a remote island where my knockers can reign free.

The very eager salesgirl spots me from across the store and reminds me I need my bra size measured.

Rather than head into a secluded area of the store, she measures me out front while the creeps selling phone cases stare at me from outside.

Yep, knockers are the same size they have been since ninth grade.

I grab six different bras that all promise miracle tits.

I step into the dressing room and expect to feel like a superstar.

Instead I feel like a beached whale.

So I grab the one that makes me look the least like Mimi from The Drew Carey Show.

Now also seems like a good time to obsess over my arms being too fat.

I remember I also need a new strapless bra.

And then I remember strapless bras are horrible creations and decide I’ll just stop buying tops that require strapless bras.

I head to the register but am intercepted by a salesgirl who tells me I MUST TRY THE NEW AND IMPROVED LOVE SPELL BODY SPLASH.

Now I smell like a freshman dorm bathroom during rush.

I’m finally at the checkout and realize I grabbed the bra that costs $60.

The salesgirl tries to get me to sign up for an Angel card.

I say no.

She asks me again.

I know deep down this salesgirl is really mad at me for not signing up.

I get home, open my Victoria’s Secret bag and look at the receipt again.

Sixty bucks is like… seven Chipotle burritos.

I’ll miss you, burritos.