23 (Slightly) Irrational Fears Only Women Have

Just want to note that these fears are completely rational if you’re a woman (screw you, society), but completely irrational, too.

  1. What if I forgot about a tampon several years ago and it has been marinating in my cavern and someday they’re gonna see it on an x-ray and the doctor is going to be a super hot McDreamy type and he’ll think I’m appalling and I’ll need surgery to remove it and my wounds will get infected and then I’ll never be able to have kids?
  2. Did I leave my straightener on? Is it going to burn down my house with everything in it, including my beloved pets?
  3. Would Sheryl Sandberg be proud of me?
  4. Would Olivia Pope be proud of me?
  6. I want to wear these dangly earrings but what if they get caught on something or a thief tries to steal them (I mean, they’re from Target but they LOOK real) and they rip them out of my ear and then I’m left with a mangled earlobe and then I’ll just be the woman around town with the mangled earlobe that children fear and I’ll basically turn into an urban legend and will only be able to come out at night.
  7. Does my male co-worker with the same job as me make more money than me? (Just kidding, this is completely fucking rational.)
  8. Am I paying entirely too much for this pack of socks from Target? Am I unknowingly promoting child labor?
  9. Does my foundation ACTUALLY match my skin or do I look like Snooki after a marathon tanning session? OR maybe I look like Tilda Swinton after spending six months underground?
  10. What if I go to get a Brazilian and the wax is too hot and it burns all of my skin off?
  11. Is my avocado organic? Does it matter if it’s organic?
  12. If I’m in an elevator with only one other man, is he going to try to murder me?
  13. Who is my “Big?” Who is my “Aiden?” What if I never have either and I just end up like an older, ugly, less rich version of Samantha and I have to have sex with truck drivers because they’re the only ones who will have me?
  14. Can everyone see my underwear through my clothes? Am I known as the “Pantyline Girl?”
  15. I really want to eat this donut, but then I might turn into one of those women who dies in her house and then they have to use a crane to remove me because I weigh 950 pounds and then it’s on the news and then that hot doctor will see it and say “I remember when she had a forgotten tampon in her vagina, she deserved this.”
  16. What if someone judges me for wearing yoga pants in public?
  17. Can I pretend my yoga pants are dress pants?
  18. Is my deodorant giving me cancer?
  19. Does my boss secretly hate me?
  20. If Bill Clinton flirted with me, would I flirt back?
  21. Did he REALLY “lose” my number, or was he murdered? Or does he think I’m disgusting? Was he my soulmate?
  23. What if my boyfriend hears me fart?